Something here is still innocent

this bloodless voice

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:25:43 GMT

So I've been kinda stressed out lately, but I think I'm getting over it.

I talked to one of the managers at Job #2 and found out what the deal is with the hours. Apparently they weren't expecting it to be this bad. I can't blame them with all the crap the company is going through right now. Either way I'll stick it out and see what happens. I don't know any other retail company I would rather work for other than Old Navy, which I don't think is hiring right now.

So today for the first time in forever, I am listening to all of my music on shuffle. I have some songs in here that I haven't heard in ages. Brings back memories, mostly good. Mostly just feelings.

This summer has been the best of my life. I had so much fun and learned so much about myself and life in general. I'm so glad to have people who support me in this. It really helps. I have never been so optimistic about life as I have become this summer. It's almost over (1 more month) and I have to go forward with the rest of my life. I think this time I'll attack it with a lot more insight. I've been told that insight is soemthing I'm good at finding. or giving.

Mostly I feel really productive. Usually in the summer I'm just dying to get back to school. And I was at first, but now I'm reall seeing why I needed this time off. And when school comes back around again I'll be ready.

life is a show

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 06:12:31 GMT

LOL GUYS just finished watching the Degrassi movie. It went as expected.

Anyways today was a good day. I haven't had a remarkably good day in a long time. Maybe a month. Who knows.

Jordan is gone again but I feel good because, well, today was a good day. And I feel NORMAL for once. So I'll be fine.

Today was the first of many days of me recording my first EP! If all goes well I'll be done with it before school starts.

Things are not working out at my second job and I think if things don't pick up I'm going to switch to another store. I am just really disappointed with the lack of hours they've been giving me. It's been over a month and I've worked maybe 4 shifts total. Once a week if I'm lucky (sometimes not). I don't get it. With all the money I'm not making, it feels like I don't even have a second job at all. I mean I know the economy is bad and businesses aren't doing well and I don't have the seniority that my coworkers have, but ... I just thought this would be different. But no, I'M STILL BROKE.

Not mad, though. Just surprised. Money issues are coming out my ears right now. Just trying to make this shit work.

Life.

what exactly am i doing?

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 23:25:30 GMT

UGHHH

I'm trying to write the lyrics for this song and it is really not working out. It was so clear last week and now there's nothing. I'm so frustrated.

Jordan is home now. He got here on Sunday. And yesterday he woke up with the flu and had been miserable most of the time. I try to take care of him but now I just don't know what to do. Yesterday was fine because I felt bad for him and I wanted to make him feel better so I cooked for him and did whatever he wanted me to for him. I got him to get out of bed and eat and watch Samurai Jack with me. But today I am just done. I don't know what to do. Last night was so awkward because he was miserable and had a fever and didn't want me to even touch him. How exactly can I help when I'm not allowed to do anything? I felt totally useless. So today I'm done. He's moody and I just don't want to deal with it. I have my own shit to worry about right now.

So this morning he wanted to sleep in really late so I went to the living room to work on my new song. The shitty thing about working on my music is that I have to do it on Jordan's computer because he has the MIDI keyboard and Reason hooked up. Since it's all on his computer, I can only work on my music (things other than playing guitar and writing lyrics) when he is either asleep or not home. So when I finally got him out of bed (past noon and he had gone to bed at 8pm) I had to give up the computer. I got him up, played him my song, went to the bathroom, and when I came back he was on the computer. So that was the end of that. So then I tried to work on the lyrics with my guitar and it just hasn't been working.

I have the concept for this song but other than that the words aren't really coming. It's not there. And when I do get something it just sounds weird. Or emo. Just dumb. This song is supposed to be about ME but meanwhile my mind is thinking about everything and everyone else.

Today after I went to the store because he wanted yogurt, we ended up watching at Tegan and Sara DVD which was basically them puting together their "The Con" album. It was really cool to watch and I started thinking about how I wish I could write like them and make cool music and blah blah. I started thinking about where I want to go with this music thing and how serious I want to get with it. I really don't know right now. I just want to make music. What happens after that doesn't really matter to me. I'm not out to be famous. I just want to be able to express myself. Because obviously I am bad at vocalizing my feelings any other way. But even now it seems like poetry is lost. Lyrics are lost. I write a song maybe every 6 months? This is no way to live. I thought this was my passion. Now that I don't have such a shitty life, what do I have to sing about? It isn't as easy. But yes I do still have drama. Just not the same kind and I don't know how to talk about it other than these stupid journal entries. Gosh I am so sporadic.

No I am not apologizing for this long entry because, well, it's really not for you. I'm tired of my life being about everybody else but me. It is my life after all. I should be controlling it. Step one: go outside, even if you have to go alone.

Echo?

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 05:01:51 GMT

Gosh what I lonely life I have when my boyfriend isn't around. He's been out of town for a week, and the amount of time I now have to myself is overwhelming. I am an unintentional hermit. I don't understand how people can just go to work and come home every day. It's so boring. There is nothing to do at home, so I just end up wasting my time on the internet. I did a few cool things in the past week, but not much socially. Most of the people in my phone's address book are coworkers, and the friends I might call are always unavailable. It sucks. It makes me wish I could just work all day like everyone else, but I don't have that kind of job. I only work about 20 hours a week, so the other 99 hours (that's 17 hours of being awake times seven days a week, minus 20 hours of work) are spent either sitting on a bus, wandering around spending money on food, or sitting on my butt at home. My call logs are self explanatory if you look at them. ]

Good things today: getting a ride, and watching Christina play guitar

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:43:56 GMT

I don't really have anything to do today until the evening. I guess I'll just clean the house like I planned. I hate doing the dishes, but the pile up so fast. I guess I should stop procrastinating and just do it. I have 2 rooms to clean before I go to work tonight.

What a good day...

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:22:05 GMT

It's summer and I love it so much. Today was weird but it turned out fun. First I had a really freaky dream that my brother died. It must have been related to the Michael Jackson pandemonium. Anyway, it was a really scary dream and I woke up crying. Not a great way to start off the day. I went back to sleep after a while and I was over it when I woke back up again.

I went in to work today and got a fair amount of work done. I crossed a lot of things off my to-do list. It felt pretty productive. I went and got bubble tea and a sandwich for lunch from a place down the street because I forgot to bring food from home. I took a big leap eating the sandwich because I think I might be intolerant to gluten. But I ate the bread anyways because there was no other place to eat within walking distance. Let's see if I get sick tomorrow. So far I feel fine.

I went out to water the garden beds we have in the back of the building, and it felt pretty good to be outside. Plus it was a little bit of labor carrying gallons of water across the garden, so it was fun. I haven't really been working out this summer as much as I said I would. Maybe I'll go out for a run tonight when it cools down. We'll see.

Then after work I went over to Eddie Bauer and filled out the forms. The manager there is so cool. I can't wait to meet everyone and start working. After I left, I stopped by Abercrombie to visit Rachel at work. It was really on a whim that I went because I didn't know when her shift was so I didn't know if she'd actually be there. But she was, and it was great because I hadn't seen her since last summer. We'll probably hang out more this summer. I'm excited that she's tranfering to UW for '10-'11. That should be cool.

It's still early in the evening, so I have time to do even more fun things before the day is over. Definitely happy about how things have turned out lately.

I gots me a job!

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:31:44 GMT

I know, I aready have a job. But now I have two! I had an interview and they offered me a retail job. I'm going in tomorrow to fill out the paperwork. Then they should get back to me next week about training.

So the plan is that I will work there for a long time. When school starts, I'll just cut my hours. I think I should be able to handle to the two job thing this time around, especially since I don't have to travel very far. I'll just have to keep on top of my studying.

So life is pretty good right now. No complaints, really. I'm having fun, meeting people, going out... cool summer things. My friends are awesome. If this is how it is for the rest of the summer, I'll be plenty happy. Then when school starts I won't go crazy. And I'll have money for school this year! They changed my loan so that I can get more money. So yeah I'm going to be in more debt but at least it's government debt! And I'll be able to pay it off if I don't go to grad school right away. Who needs grad school anyways?

NEW USERNAME, GUYS.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:52:06 GMT

FYI to everyone: I just changed my LJ username from you_are_cancer_ to beautifulthings . It's still me, the same journal and everything. I just got tired of the old name and I didn't want to make a new account.

I've been staying up late a lot now that school is out. I slept in until 11 today and noon the day before. Summer heat makes me so dehydrated so I just sleep all the time. That's probably not healthy.

Now that school's out and Jordan's gone I've just been feeling really lonely. When I was in school I at least had people around me all the time to interact with. But when he's gone I have nowhere to go except work three days a week.. and I essentially live alone. There's a grand total of two people I might be able to hang out with on a regular basis.

Annnnd I'm still looking for a second job.

Stuck somewhere

Fri, 15 May 2009 05:34:01 GMT

My birthday is tomorrow and I don't know how I feel about it. What have I accomplished in the past year academically? Sure I got a really good job and apartment, but in terms of my education I am totally missing the mark. again.

Fri, 08 May 2009 05:03:52 GMT

How convenient that Lucy made a post about school stress. I've got plenty of it here. My problem is that I'm not really organized and I don't have the motivation to do a lot of reading. We have to read so many articles and chapters in these classes and I hate it. I'm a visual and auditory learner - I don't respind well to text. I can't make sense of it and it takes me forever to get through it if it isn't written in a straightforward manner. I'm supposed to be a scientist, but scientific writing does not make sense to me. When things start to sound like a dry, lifeless textbook, I stop reading and move on. I can't take it. I'm glad I don't have any textbooks this quarter because it takes me forever to get through them. Everything goes so slow.

I have a lot of catching up to do before finals. (Doesn't this sound just like last quarter?) Something always happens and I get behind in my work. Maybe a different schedule setup will be more condusive to my study and work time. I get to resister for fall quarter in a week.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 03:42:44 GMT

I am stranded on this concrete island.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 21:26:37 GMT

I really have to start kicking myself in the butt before something else does.

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 05:26:16 GMT

So I'm at Ian's because I don't feel like going back to the apartment. My computer and books are there. Things have been so strange lately. I am really excited to move into a new apartment in a few days. We get the keys on Tuesday. Finally the wait is over. Right now I am waiting for a certain kid to talk to me. There seem to be some technical issues. ugh.

I don't really know what to do right now. I'm so bored.

My Native American Philosophy class is really cool.

I'm here again

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 19:44:12 GMT

It seems I've fallen back into a fimilar place. Most of my friends are fake. They either treat me like dirt to my face or in some sneaky way behind my back while playing fake nice when we talk or hang out. No one seems to want to tell me the truth. Which face are you wearing today?

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 06:49:53 GMT

Things are really strange right now. The past few days have been so stressful.

Money issues suck. I mean it's ok now I worked it out, but I was really stressed out for a while. I spaced out and did something really stupid.
I have to move out of my dorm a lot earlier than I was planning, so I have to go pack. At one point I was in danger of having our HRG application rejected. I guess that's fixed now?
I am on spring break but somehow I'm not getting much of a break. I'm working so much this week. I don't think I'll get a day off.
I found out something scary about someone I know. Now I feel like I've been cheated. Why are people so cruel?

I guess I'm getting really into these numbered/bulleted lists.

HALOO

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 19:54:41 GMT

So I was on Blogger trying to do some things for work and realized that I missed blogging a lot. Even though no one really reads this because no one really has LJ anymore, I feel the need to post.

A lot of things have been going on in my life:

I just finished my finals for Winter quarter! I was good, except for the fact that I've really been screwing up in my Wildlife Biology class. I switched to S/NS grading just in time. So I didn't do well at all in that class but it will not hurt my GPA. I am still kicking myself for not doing that for the Music class I pretty much failed Fall quarter. It totally tanked my GPA and now I can't apply for certain scholarships. Hecka fail.
Jordan and I just put in an application for a really cool/cheap/huge apartment in Belltown. I really hope we get it. We really need to move. I'm so excited to finally have a real kitchen with a real fridge... and a real bedroom! And for that matter, I'll be glad to have more than one room in the whole apartment. With storage! Heck yes I am so excited for closet space. It will be weird until school gets out because even though he is moving all of his stuff into the new apartment now, I will still be living in my dorm on weekdays. So I'll have this shiny new apartment but won't really get to live there full time until school gets out.
I'm thinking about doing some modelling in the summer. Emily gave me the idea, because she has been going to this photographer who is paying her to shoot. And my mom is a good photographer (really good, actually) but she would never be willing to pay a model because she just doesn't have the money.. and I'm her daughter so she would rather not fork out money to me. I've always wanted to be a model, but I'm too short for the runway jobs, and I don't like wearing heels anyway. Modelmayhem, here I come... I've started a portfolio.
I really love my job. I don't know if I can say much more than that. I just really love the people that I work with and the cause we're working for. I love helping people and I love being creative. It such a better work environment than my previous job at ASB. I get to do different things all the time and meet lots of really cool people. Plus I can really see that my work is valued, and I put a lot of energy into what I do. I love it.
Speaking of jobs, Jordan has a new job. And by new I mean he went back to his old job working for him mom and quit the dumb job he had at Fred Meyer. I really hope it works out for him - it seems like they're having a pretty rocky start. I really want to help because I want him to be happy, and I think I have some good ideas and resources that could be valuable to the company. We'll see how it goes.
I am really loving my friends right now. More specifically, I love Jake. He is a such a crazy kid, such a mess. Drama and bad luck follow him where ever he goes... and yet I can't let go of him. Something about him draws me to him. I can't help but care about him and want to help him. I guess that's a good thing? He's a really nice guy.

I am just all kinds of good right now.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 21:11:33 GMT

JK GUYZ.

thank god.

EDIT:

Horoscope is again very appropriate.

Although your long-term plans may have become more concrete over the past month, they might have slipped away as you moved closer to your goal. Now you are at another crossroads, so reset your compass and take a new bearing on your destination. Don't worry if you decide to head off in a slightly different direction from your previous one. You've learned a lot about yourself and your world, so be prepared to change your course, if necessary.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:26:46 GMT

So I had a treally good talk last night. Then my horoscope today was amazing:

You might be relieved today, especially if you can process any annoyance or anger that was lurking just beneath the surface. But you still may be concerned about your feelings because you won't likely get them all out into the open in one conversation. Instead of obsessing about what needs to be said, just accept that everything you must express will come out when the right opportunity is presented. You have more time than you think.

I mean how perfect is that? I love astrology.

I'm starting to look up.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 06:18:57 GMT

Man, I don't even know what to say. This is crazy... but fun at the same time. We'll see how it goes.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 00:17:22 GMT

I screwed up big time today. I don't know how I keep getting so distracted.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:10:37 GMT

school school school school school schoooooooolllllllll argh.

EDIT:
Mannnn I can't believe shit like this is happening. Jordan's best friend got kicked out of his parents' house, and now he has to move in with Jordan. I mean I love Jake and everything, but it's a total intrusion on my private time with my boo. Plus Jake doesn't have a job, which means he's basically going to be a mooch. It's going to be like this for three months. I hate it when you have no choice but to help people, thereby inconveniencing yourself.

I think I would like to study sociology.

And so I return...

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:14:40 GMT

I guess I'm back to LiveJournal now. I tried to post a blog on Facebook, but I didn't end up posting it because there are so many people on my friends list who really shouldn't be reading my darkest secrets.

At the current moment I am procrastinating homework. I have this group project on grizzly bears that I have to work, and it hasn't been going so well. Something happened to me a few months ago and now I can't function in school. I quit my other jobs so that I only have one, but I still have trouble finding the time to do things. And then when I do have time I don't want to do anything but hang out with first floor. Those people down there are so distracting.

My life has been pretty crazy for the past few months. I've discovered all these beautiful people I can't seem to keep myhands off of. It feels a little bit weird because there are so many things I'd like to but can't... like pounce on really hot guys. One person in particular is frustrating me right now. There used to be three, but I found reasons to stop being interested in the other two. One now has a girlfriend, and the other is sort of an asshole. So that just leaves one who is both single and nice. But he's kind of awkward. I'll get over it soon, I'm sure. And then everything will be back to normal.

I have a show in Kirkland tomorrow that I have not in any way prepared myself for. I really don't want to play the show because there's no one else but me on the bill because Melissa is bad at booking shows. I want to cancel the whole thing, but it's a little short notice now. Maybe it should wait until next month. Yeah, I think I'll call and cancel. I haven't even gotten time to practice considering my guitar has been at Jordan's apartment since my last show. I've tried to write since then, but I can't find the time. I wish there were more hours in a day.

Another thing I haven't found time for is working out. I feel so gross, and my muscles are nowhere near as strong and flexible as they used to be. I've only been to the IMA twice this entire year, and that was to do archery. Not that I have anything against archery - it's really fun. But it's not really a workout. I need to put time in my calendar to go work out. My schedule doesn't really allow for it right now.

Speaking of things I need to do, I have to go get some drugs from the pharmacy. So I guess that's it for today.

Expect that my entries in the future will be sporadic.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:16:30 GMT

Dear LiveJournal,

GOODBYE.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 06:45:28 GMT

COME ON, GUYS. DO WE HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:15:30 GMT

So today totally blew, and tomorrow might not be much better. Maybe the thing at Youngstown will be fun. If it isn't, I don't know what I'll do with myself. The only good thing about today was that I randomly ran into Kristine Kelly, who I hadn't seen in several years. But then after that my parents were yelling at me for something stupid and that whole happy-feeling thing went away.

Tomorrow I have to go to my shitty job.

So basically I want to pull my hair out right now. I almost cried on the bus home.

When will this be over?